9) You find a lemon slice in your dog's water bowl.

8) On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, down to the fallen licorice downspout and the half-open graham cracker garage door.

7) You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose-petal and saffron demi-glaze with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and delicate mint-fennel sauce.

6) The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

5) Every napkin in your house is mysteriously folded into a swan.

4) No matter where you eat, including McDonald's, your place setting includes an oyster fork.

3) Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2) You wake up in a hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.